I don’t have Final Cut Pro
I don’t have a ton of luck with the ladies.
That’s actually probably not true. I don’t really know how my luck is because I tend only to be attracted to ladies who are emotionally, geographically or otherwise completely unavailable.
Somebody once told me that’s self-sabotage. But I think I just like a challenge. An impossible, impossible challenge.
The largest obstacle I tend to face is that the majority of the girls I fall in love with are fictional TV characters. Since I’m starting to feel a creeping sense that I will one day die alone surrounded by half-empty boxes of Count Chocula, I decided to do a countdown (in descending order) of the top five TV characters I will likely eternally judge all other (actual) women against.
5. ANNIE EDISON from COMMUNITY
The thing about Annie is that she’s completely neurotic, a recovering pill popper and has staggering issues with self-worth. None of that’s really all that attractive, but when she lets her hair down, she looks like she does above. Funny how that makes the emotional baggage seem a lot, I dunno…cuter.
4. LIZ LEMON from 30 ROCK
We just have kind of a lot in common. She’s a writer. I’m a writer. She’s incredibly dorky but still really adorable. I’m incredibly dorky but still really adorable. Sometimes her hair looks really weird. Usually my hair looks really weird. I don’t see how this can’t work. Oh, and she loves Cleveland.
3. ERIN ANDREWS from ESPN
Okay, so Erin Andrews isn’t fictional. She’s actually a real live girl who does on-the-field interviews for ESPN. But, come on. No girl this hot knows this much about sports. I’m pretty sure she’s a cyborg. And that still fits my criteria.
2. LINDSAY WEIR from FREAKS AND GEEKS
She’s a nerd and a mathlete who struggles to figure out who she is before eventually finding herself and running off to follow the Grateful Dead for a summer. I’m not really into the Dead, but of course, this show was set in the early ’80s, and if it were today, I’m pretty sure she’d be cool with following Brand New—and that’s something I could completely be down with. Plus, she smoked pot once and thought that people were all just figments of a dog’s imagination. From that moment, I knew she was the one. That is until…
1. PAM HALPERT from THE OFFICE
True. She’s married. Now. But Pam is everything I’ve ever wanted in a fictional woman. She started off the series almost painfully shy and repressed, but over time she revealed tiny glimpses of the ocean of adorability underneath. She also started off the series in a relationship with an ungrateful douche, which is actually a recurring theme with girls I’m actually attracted to in real life. After she ditched Roy and started to come out of her shell, it became almost too much for me. She’s smart, funny, kind, reasonable, selfless, nurturing, creative and insanely gorgeous even when she isn’t trying (which I realize is never because, well, she’s ALWAYS a character on TV). And she has the faintest Midwestern accent. Seriously, it’s a genuine problem for me. I think it’s gotten to the point that if you’re a receptionist, yeah, I’m probably interested.
If you don’t believe me about the cuteness, just watch one of gazillions of Pam tribute videos that delusional bastards like me have put together. Of course, I just stole this one from YouTube and didn’t spend days editing together a compilation of her scenes, so that’s gotta say something. (Mostly that I don’t have Final Cut Pro.)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE try to ignore the horrifyingly cheesy music that syncs up the cliche lyrics with shots of Pam. PLEASE. In fact, just mute the sound until 3:52 when the quotes kick in. TRUST ME.
